Over the past month or so I've done a little bit of thinking. When I started this blog all those years ago my life was so different. I was living with my husband and we made that journey to Thailand together to meet my birth family and to discover a part of me that neither of us knew.
I will always cherish those memories and the time we spent together. I'm so thankful for having such a supportive and loving person to share that journey with. Although we are no longer together there is still a connection between us, as friends we will always be. I'll admit I felt a little envious of his life, when he told me that he and his partner are expecting a child. But I don't regret any decision I made in relation to our relationship.
I think that in order for me to find what I want and need in a relationship, perhaps I need to work on me. When I think about things I think about my childhood and the feeling of never fitting in, being so painfully shy that I felt sick. I see myself as a gangly teenager trying to look like the blond, blue eyed girls all the boys wanted. I see myself rejecting my heritage, being embarrassed of my Thai background. I see myself as a young adult, slowly coming out of my shell, blossoming and dealing with the attention of men who previously never looked my way. I see me learning to deal with and to overcome the painful issues stemming from sexual abuse I suffered as a child and the fear I lived in for so many years.
Now, at age 33 I am finally feeling happy with me life. I have a career, great friends and a good relationship with my family. It's taken me 8 years of living away (running away), to decide that home is really where the heart is and my home is back where it all began. Being happy with myself and who I am, I think will open up the opportunities to a happy and fulfilling relationship.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Sunday, October 04, 2009
He's just not that into you
Why is that even though I know "he's just not into me" part of me still wants him to be, to call me telling me he's made a mistake, to email me saying he wants to get back together or to even ask why I've deleted him as a friend off Facebook?
Whilst I know I'm an incredibly strong person, most of my strength has been gained because I've had to step up and take care of myself. I sometimes feel quite alone and wonder if my "neediness" or wanting someone who clearly doesn't care for me to be with me is a result of my childhood? I've never felt that my birth parents never wanted me, on the contrary I feel very wanted and loved. Loved so much by my family that they did what they thought was best and put me up for adoption.
I think it stems from the home life I had as a child, losing my adoptive father at a young age, not really grieving or getting over this for a long time. I think that part of me feels abandoned by him. During the time he was sick and then passed away a lot of other things were going on at home that were neither pleasant or happy. I spent many years scared of my own shadow, so now as an adult it manifests itself in the way I react or act in my relationships.
The thing is, I know logically what I often think or feel is not logical, but I still haven't trained my mind to turn this around.. I'm learning and I'm getting better. I know what I'm doing and do everything in my power to try and counteract my thoughts and feelings.
Whilst I know I'm an incredibly strong person, most of my strength has been gained because I've had to step up and take care of myself. I sometimes feel quite alone and wonder if my "neediness" or wanting someone who clearly doesn't care for me to be with me is a result of my childhood? I've never felt that my birth parents never wanted me, on the contrary I feel very wanted and loved. Loved so much by my family that they did what they thought was best and put me up for adoption.
I think it stems from the home life I had as a child, losing my adoptive father at a young age, not really grieving or getting over this for a long time. I think that part of me feels abandoned by him. During the time he was sick and then passed away a lot of other things were going on at home that were neither pleasant or happy. I spent many years scared of my own shadow, so now as an adult it manifests itself in the way I react or act in my relationships.
The thing is, I know logically what I often think or feel is not logical, but I still haven't trained my mind to turn this around.. I'm learning and I'm getting better. I know what I'm doing and do everything in my power to try and counteract my thoughts and feelings.
Saturday, October 03, 2009
To text or not to text that is the question
With all the modern forms of communication, old fashioned communication seems to have gone out the window.
Since when did text messaging become the preferred method of communication? I consider myself to be a modern woman, but I still believe that a good old fashioned phone call beats a text message hands down. Telephone calls show the person that you think they are special, that you have taken the time to have a conversation with them and most importantly can eliminate miscommunication.
Take this example, I have recently met a guy. He has sent me several text message and phoned me twice. Today he sent me a text, which I was quite confused and somewhat miffed about. I responded, politely saying thanks, but no thanks. Only to find that wasn't what he meant at all. As I couldn't see his face or hear his voice, I could only go on what was staring at me from my mobile phone.
The moral of the story is if in doubt, don't text call. Will save you a lot of confusion, embarrassment and anxiety in the long run.
Since when did text messaging become the preferred method of communication? I consider myself to be a modern woman, but I still believe that a good old fashioned phone call beats a text message hands down. Telephone calls show the person that you think they are special, that you have taken the time to have a conversation with them and most importantly can eliminate miscommunication.
Take this example, I have recently met a guy. He has sent me several text message and phoned me twice. Today he sent me a text, which I was quite confused and somewhat miffed about. I responded, politely saying thanks, but no thanks. Only to find that wasn't what he meant at all. As I couldn't see his face or hear his voice, I could only go on what was staring at me from my mobile phone.
The moral of the story is if in doubt, don't text call. Will save you a lot of confusion, embarrassment and anxiety in the long run.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Mid Week Blues
Today is Easter Sunday. As I am not very religious, I did not go to church. Rather I watched as my excited little cousin's wandered around the house collecting all the chocolate eggs their mother and I had hid.
I decided that I would spend the day with mum. My sister is away and I didn't want mum to be on her own. We spent a lovely day in Tyab, looking through the many antiques and secondhand shops located conveniently in the one place. It was probably the nicest and least dramatic holiday I've had with mum. Growing up, wasn't always so pleasant around Easter and Christmas time.
Leading up to the Easter break, I had one day of feeling flat, melancholy and somewhat sorry for myself. I think the anxiety I was feeling was more about feeling lonely and missing the relationship I lost early this year. I knew that after a good nights sleep it would pass and it did. Moving back to Melbourne and spending time with my family and friends has been the best medicine.
I decided that I would spend the day with mum. My sister is away and I didn't want mum to be on her own. We spent a lovely day in Tyab, looking through the many antiques and secondhand shops located conveniently in the one place. It was probably the nicest and least dramatic holiday I've had with mum. Growing up, wasn't always so pleasant around Easter and Christmas time.
Leading up to the Easter break, I had one day of feeling flat, melancholy and somewhat sorry for myself. I think the anxiety I was feeling was more about feeling lonely and missing the relationship I lost early this year. I knew that after a good nights sleep it would pass and it did. Moving back to Melbourne and spending time with my family and friends has been the best medicine.
Monday, April 06, 2009
A Lot of Explaining To Do
Moving back to Melbourne has meant re-establishing myself, learning a new job and making new friends. It's also meant having to try and explain my family life to those that do not know me.
Generally, I don't tell people about being adopted unless I really think they need to know. It's not because I'm ashamed of being adopted, rather it's so complicated and normally the people who ask really don't want to know all the in's and out's anyway. So if someone asks what my background is, I will say I was born in Thailand. This will often lead to the person asking if my family are in Melbourne and how long have I been in Australia. To which I'll normally reply my mother and sister live in Melbourne and I have a sister living in Perth. This is usually enough, sometimes if they are nosy, the person will ask if I can speak Thai. When I say no, they will then assume and ask if my father is Australian (meaning anglo-saxon). Depending on how tired I am I may just agree with them (to make it faster and easier on everyone). If I'm feeling up to it, I'll explain that I'm adopted. If I know the person and feel comfortable with them, then I'll explain my whole family situation, the how/when of where we all came from.
To make things more complicated, I have my ex-step brother, sister's and their cousins (who I grew up with and call my own cousins) to add into the equation. They are of Sri Lankan background and this can often add to people's looks of confusion, when we introduce one another as family or me having to draw a family tree to explain who everyone is and where we all come from.
I would not change my multi-cultural family or upbringing. I feel that as I have matured, it has helped define who I am as a person. It's had a direct effect on my interest and career choice in the migration law field.
Generally, I don't tell people about being adopted unless I really think they need to know. It's not because I'm ashamed of being adopted, rather it's so complicated and normally the people who ask really don't want to know all the in's and out's anyway. So if someone asks what my background is, I will say I was born in Thailand. This will often lead to the person asking if my family are in Melbourne and how long have I been in Australia. To which I'll normally reply my mother and sister live in Melbourne and I have a sister living in Perth. This is usually enough, sometimes if they are nosy, the person will ask if I can speak Thai. When I say no, they will then assume and ask if my father is Australian (meaning anglo-saxon). Depending on how tired I am I may just agree with them (to make it faster and easier on everyone). If I'm feeling up to it, I'll explain that I'm adopted. If I know the person and feel comfortable with them, then I'll explain my whole family situation, the how/when of where we all came from.
To make things more complicated, I have my ex-step brother, sister's and their cousins (who I grew up with and call my own cousins) to add into the equation. They are of Sri Lankan background and this can often add to people's looks of confusion, when we introduce one another as family or me having to draw a family tree to explain who everyone is and where we all come from.
I would not change my multi-cultural family or upbringing. I feel that as I have matured, it has helped define who I am as a person. It's had a direct effect on my interest and career choice in the migration law field.
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